The Nairobi Woman

By Gideon Kariuki
Almost 6 years of being in Nairobi I am a still in a culture shock; The Nairobi woman shocks me; she is not like the humble Jerutos I was used to in Eldoret. The Nairobi woman earns a salary of 10k yet stays in a bungalow worth 40k… you wonder how she raises the rent. She will always have flu yet she has no idea that KenKnit still makes sweaters that can keep her warm. Well, she made the petticoat go extinct and now she is working on eliminating the bra and she will complain that men are ogling at her breasts…though she is as broke as a mouse in Kibaki’s Statehouse, you will find her always at Java…where I come from ‘going out’ means going to the toilet at night but to the Nairobi woman it is galloping from one club to the other with her gang of equally confused girls… this woman shocks me.

Other women would be proud to share their bed with a child but this woman has a brood of ugly teddy bears named after her exes that she tells stories of her escapades ..’you see Johny, today this jamaa angaliad me and I angaliad him so we angaliad each other. Imagine’ This woman cares about her artificial hair more that she cares about her head…she would rather suffocate herself with a polythene bag than see water drop on her ‘weave’.. and when she goes to sleep, the stocking on her head makes mosquitoes think it is Halloween and they don’t need that woman in the Doom advert to do her tricks..This woman would tell you she is ‘watching her weight’ when she is watching the plate full of chips and half chicken that she is slowly throwing into her mouth at KFC …The Nairobi woman would rather quench her thirst with Smirnoff than cold water..and she does not feel hungry ,she gets a craving. This craving at times makes her think ice cream is a meal…
She has this phone that is ‘self –contained’ but she cannot afford airtime..and when one of her sweeties sambazas airtime she calls her gang of girls to tell them how ‘Alehandro’ cried in the Citizen TV soap and they do their ‘aki woiyees’ together ..she shocks me when updating her status is not climbing the social ladder to become a more respectable woman whom a man of my good up bringing can wish to call ‘Mama Boyi’ but means changing her relationship status on Facebook from ‘in an open relationship’ to ‘single’ because Johny forgot that it was the anniversary of when he bought her a teddy bear…
The Nairobi woman loves pain, she loves to be pricked, you will find her face with many rivets, screws and bolts that she calls earrings, nose rings, eyebrow rings, tongue rings, lip rings etc and she complains of violence against women while she violates herself. You may think she loves rings but try to put a wedding ring on her finger and her gang of girls will make her disappear without a trace…The Nairobi woman does not need to see the size of your wallet to know if you are loving and caring enough to be her Friday Night date, she can smell legal tender even if it is 2kms away. She will make you pay for a 5K ticket to take her to watch Tarrus Riley yet the crowd would be so huge that you will not see him and you can buy his one song album at just 50 bob or better get it from your friend’s computer…
6 years and truly I need a millennium to learn that this is Shantal Michelle and not Abiscondita Tsiaukhorekhukholelokho, the girl who migrated from our village to come to Nairobi for a BA degree in P.E at one of the Universities.
Source:campus254.com